At some point in the past few months my phone started notifying me of my Bible app's verse of the day. It was super annoying, because I'm prideful and I don't like to be helped or reminded- I can remember to read the Bible ON MY OWN, thank you very much. And, I don't want to read what cutesy verses you picked out, app, I'll go find something really amazing to read ON MY OWN. Get it? Hear me? I'm fine, on my own.
Like I said, I am prideful. I would be more ashamed to admit it, except that I really want to make this clear: I AM SUCH A SINNER. I thought I'd been saying this, but maybe it hasn't been clear. My sin is like, all over the place. I sin every day. It's usually based in pride or selfishness.
-BUT-
My sin is not the end of the story. God was merciful towards me, showed me my sin, and saved me. He has caused change in my heart and my life that I never could have accomplished on my own- and I know that with certainty, because I DID try on my own. I tried to be humble, and patient, and have self-control, but I just didn't. It didn't work; I could not fix myself. Yet when the Lord finally humbled me to the point that I acknowledged my own deep weakness and inability, it changed my entire life. Suddenly, I was free from fruitless striving. I was free from the belief that I was messing everything up...because I realized, of course I was. I CAN'T do it on my own. I AM NOT better than this.
Apart from Christ, I can do nothing.
And I know, this may sound depressing. It may sound one-sided, because what about the good things He gave me? What about being made in His image, and the gifts and talents He's given me? And that pesky, persistent concern- what about having good self-esteem?
Please, just hear me out.
Apart from Christ, I can do nothing. Truly. I promise. I know this about myself. It sounds crippling, but it is not. It is freedom. The more my weakness is revealed, the more clear it becomes that it is HIS strength that enables me to do anything good at all.
If I am patient with my child, it is because the Holy Spirit gives me limitless patience. Often, I depend on my own perceived patience, which runs out quickly. But when I plug my ears and shut my eyes and scream in my mind, "God, HELP ME, please, I can't do this by myself," He gives me patience.
If I am kind to my husband, it is because of God. It is because He has shown me kindness, taught me kindness, and gives me the ability to BE kind.
"If anything I do is good, it is because of Jesus Christ, for He has made all the difference in my life."*
That's it. It's because of Him.
So please, hear me and believe me when I tell you that my pride runs deep. It does. On my own, that is who I am- proud, selfish, confident in my own understanding, condemning of those who disagree. Alone, I am a sinner. Before God saved me, that was the whole of who I was. But no longer. Thanks to His grace, I am alive- I CAN see my sin, I DO have the Holy Spirit to enable change and growth in my life.
I am new. I am clean. I am alive.
BECAUSE OF HIM.
When I talk about my sin, it is to point to my Savior. When I talk about my Savior, it really isn't to talk about how much I know or how great it is that I've "gotten better", or whatever- it's just to talk about my Savior. My God has saved me and is making me new each day, and I desperately want you to know about that, because I desperately want you to know HIM. My life serves only to show His work- see, see how a dead girl was chained to her judgemental heart and self-righteousness, and see how now she has been set free and is able, instead, to have compassion and humility.
I am not the perfect picture of compassion, humility, or any other good thing. But I am a better picture of those things than I was ten years ago, or even a year ago. Because God is good, and He is faithfully growing me. I am not growing myself. I am not bettering myself, or "figuring it out". It is God within me that is causing the change. I hope and pray that change is evident, not because I want you to like me (although I'm prideful and selfish, so really, I do want you to like me), but because I want you to look at me and see that something is changing...and that behind that change, it is God.
Alright, this isn't at all what I set out to write. I was talking about the Bible app annoying me with it's helpful reminders to actually read the Word of God. Well, I finally gave in to it's helpfulness (only because of the good example of my husband, who is humble and eager to accept help), and it has been such a beautiful thing.
But this has gotten pretty long already, because apparently something else needed to spill out of my heart first. Sooo, more on everything else later.
Like I said, I am prideful. I would be more ashamed to admit it, except that I really want to make this clear: I AM SUCH A SINNER. I thought I'd been saying this, but maybe it hasn't been clear. My sin is like, all over the place. I sin every day. It's usually based in pride or selfishness.
-BUT-
My sin is not the end of the story. God was merciful towards me, showed me my sin, and saved me. He has caused change in my heart and my life that I never could have accomplished on my own- and I know that with certainty, because I DID try on my own. I tried to be humble, and patient, and have self-control, but I just didn't. It didn't work; I could not fix myself. Yet when the Lord finally humbled me to the point that I acknowledged my own deep weakness and inability, it changed my entire life. Suddenly, I was free from fruitless striving. I was free from the belief that I was messing everything up...because I realized, of course I was. I CAN'T do it on my own. I AM NOT better than this.
Apart from Christ, I can do nothing.
And I know, this may sound depressing. It may sound one-sided, because what about the good things He gave me? What about being made in His image, and the gifts and talents He's given me? And that pesky, persistent concern- what about having good self-esteem?
Please, just hear me out.
Apart from Christ, I can do nothing. Truly. I promise. I know this about myself. It sounds crippling, but it is not. It is freedom. The more my weakness is revealed, the more clear it becomes that it is HIS strength that enables me to do anything good at all.
If I am patient with my child, it is because the Holy Spirit gives me limitless patience. Often, I depend on my own perceived patience, which runs out quickly. But when I plug my ears and shut my eyes and scream in my mind, "God, HELP ME, please, I can't do this by myself," He gives me patience.
If I am kind to my husband, it is because of God. It is because He has shown me kindness, taught me kindness, and gives me the ability to BE kind.
"If anything I do is good, it is because of Jesus Christ, for He has made all the difference in my life."*
That's it. It's because of Him.
So please, hear me and believe me when I tell you that my pride runs deep. It does. On my own, that is who I am- proud, selfish, confident in my own understanding, condemning of those who disagree. Alone, I am a sinner. Before God saved me, that was the whole of who I was. But no longer. Thanks to His grace, I am alive- I CAN see my sin, I DO have the Holy Spirit to enable change and growth in my life.
I am new. I am clean. I am alive.
BECAUSE OF HIM.
When I talk about my sin, it is to point to my Savior. When I talk about my Savior, it really isn't to talk about how much I know or how great it is that I've "gotten better", or whatever- it's just to talk about my Savior. My God has saved me and is making me new each day, and I desperately want you to know about that, because I desperately want you to know HIM. My life serves only to show His work- see, see how a dead girl was chained to her judgemental heart and self-righteousness, and see how now she has been set free and is able, instead, to have compassion and humility.
I am not the perfect picture of compassion, humility, or any other good thing. But I am a better picture of those things than I was ten years ago, or even a year ago. Because God is good, and He is faithfully growing me. I am not growing myself. I am not bettering myself, or "figuring it out". It is God within me that is causing the change. I hope and pray that change is evident, not because I want you to like me (although I'm prideful and selfish, so really, I do want you to like me), but because I want you to look at me and see that something is changing...and that behind that change, it is God.
Alright, this isn't at all what I set out to write. I was talking about the Bible app annoying me with it's helpful reminders to actually read the Word of God. Well, I finally gave in to it's helpfulness (only because of the good example of my husband, who is humble and eager to accept help), and it has been such a beautiful thing.
But this has gotten pretty long already, because apparently something else needed to spill out of my heart first. Sooo, more on everything else later.
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