Girl, Your House is a Mess

  Recently someone on Facebook posted something that bothered me. I didn't fly into a rage and comment viciously- I've been working on not commenting right away- or at all- when something bugs me, because often firing off a comment in the moment isn't most gracious (more on this here). But I've been thinking about it, so here we go.

  This post was about moms with messy houses, and how there is no excuse for one. People commented largely supporting this- asserting that messes are the result of laziness on the women's part, and that unless you are disabled in some way, you have no excuse. "Especially stay at home mom's," one woman, a stay-at-home mom herself, said, "I want to ask them what they do all day." Another comment agreed that the more time you have at home, the more time you have to clean, and therefore less possible reason why it should be messy. In general, it seemed agreed upon that a few books on your floor for a short amount of time was understandable, but not much more.

  The main thing that bothered me about this is that even IF they were right, it is not a loving or gracious conversation to be having. It disdains others. It is critical and a bit presumptuous. However, I was also bothered by the decree that a mess is inexcusable, particularly for stay-at-home moms.

  I just wanted to post a picture of my living room.

  And my kitchen. And my bathroom. And my bedroom. And my kid's room. And the closet. And the deck. But, let's be honest, I was scared- I could imagine the response. Because our apartment is messy!

  Not all the time, and not so messy that it's dangerous and unsanitary or anything- but it's definitely messy on a regular basis. I actually prefer it to be tidy. I don't like looking at clutter. It stresses me out when the whole place is a mess. And yet, usually at least one part of our home is at least a little messy. Here's why.

  I do care.

  It's not wanton laziness that leads to the mess. I take pride in my home, and in trying to keep it clean. When people come over, I want it to look nice. I also want there to be at least a few visible imperfections, because I want to be real with people, and for them to see that I'm no better than they are. Personally, I love it when my friends are comfortable enough to leave the stack of mail on the dining table when I come to visit. Because that's real life! And I don't visit them in order to take Instagram-worthy photos of their spotless house- I visit them to do real life with them.

  And while I care about keeping our home clean, there happen to be things that I care about a lot more. I try to be wise with my time, and that often means deciding what is most valuable- and there are many, many things that are more valuable to me than cleaning.

  I do have the time.
  
  We tend to be pretty busy, but not so busy that I don't have time to clean. Granted, there are days when my kids keep me literally running from one thing to another just to keep them fed, clean, well-rested, faithfully disciplined, and well-loved throughout the day and I truly don't have a chance to so much as wash a dish. But, that's not most days. Most days I have plenty of time to clean.

  I just don't always choose to use my time for that. Because it's not my main priority.

  Spending a few minutes reading the Bible. Correcting my son when he is disobedient, and intentionally disciplining him in a way that is loving, patient, and points him to Jesus. Helping my baby girl learn to move around and eat from a spoon. Going over our budget. Planning a healthy, well-balanced meal. Calling my husband to encourage him. Texting back that friend that texted me four days ago. Teaching my son something new and challenging. Finding a way to rest and recharge while my kids nap- even if it's something silly like checking my phone or painting my nails.

  All of these things (not to mention trying to remember to wash my face and eat a real meal) usually take precedence over keeping my home spotless. Even as I write this, the living room floor has toys, shoes, and oven mitts (thanks Judah) scattered around, and my kitchen counter has a stack of dishes waiting to be done. Tonight I decided that making my son dinner and spending a few minutes praying with him before bed was more important than picking up the oven mitts.

 Even as a stay-at-home mom who theoretically has "so much" time to clean, there are other things to do as well- and many of them are more important.

  I am able and willing.

  There is no physical limitation that keeps me from cleaning. When Clara was three days overdue and I was in labor I cleaned out the car and tidied the living room with contractions five minutes apart. I don't recommend it, but my point is, there's nothing to keep me from cleaning. And usually I don't even mind it- sometimes I enjoy it! It feels so good to get things cleaned up, that I am often disappointed when I don't get the apartment as clean as I'd like to.

  But I'm not disappointed when I choose playing with my baby for fifteen minutes instead of cleaning the bathroom And honestly, I do clean- I clean every day. I have picked up in the living room half a dozen times in the past 24 hours, I just happen to have wild toddler who keeps messing it up, and a baby who has already learned to empty out her toy box (yes, really.) And while Judah does help me clean up, his cleaning isn't quite as effective as his mess-making yet.

  Now, I'm not trying to knock on cleaning here, or say you shouldn't have a clean house. It's great to keep things clean. But it's also ok if you don't always keep everything clean.

  What it comes down to is your motives.

  There is a right way and a wrong way to have a messy house.

  It sounds bizarre, but here's what I mean: This, like everything, all comes back to your heart.

  Selfishly choosing to pursue your own interests all of the time rather than devoting any time to faithfully caring for your home is wrong. Lazily refusing to take responsibility for your home because you feel entitled to an excessive amount of leisure is wrong. Being bitter that you do more housework than your spouse and consequently neglecting to do as much as you can is wrong.

  However, choosing to spend quality time with your husband and family in the evenings and on the weekend, and therefore spending less time cleaning can be a very good thing! Taking the opportunity to serve someone in need rather than worrying exclusively about your own to-do list can be such a wonderful act of generosity and selfless love. Devoting extra time and energy to raising your children according to Biblical wisdom- even when it means you stop halfway through sweeping the floor in order to correct their sin- is such a good and important thing!

  Because it's not really about whether you're cleaning or not. It's about WHY you're cleaning or not.

  Selfishness, laziness, and bitterness are sinful heart attitudes. Having a messy house isn't a sin, but it can be something that reveals our sin to us. The same, however, is true of a clean house! There is a right way and a wrong way to have a clean house as well.

  If your house is clean because you pride yourself in being better or more capable than others, that's a problem. If your house is clean because you care deeply what others think of your home, that is a problem. If your home is clean because you devote your time to maintaining it but fail to devote any time to your husband, that is a problem.

  If your home is clean because you want to steward well what the Lord has given you, that is awesome! If your home is clean because you are want to be hard-working for the glory of God and the comfort of your family, that is wonderful. If your home is clean because you desire it to be a comfortable place to have people over to encourage and bless them, that is so fantastic!

  It all come back to the heart- pride, fear of what others think of you, and neglecting to prioritize more important things are all terrible reasons to have a clean house. They are sinful reasons to have a clean house, and quite frankly, it would be better to clean less. But there are also great, God-glorifying reasons to keep your home clean.

  It's not about the mess, or the lack thereof. It's about your heart.

  So let's not judge the moms with messy houses. Let's not judge the moms with clean houses, either- friendship is not about that. LIFE is not about that. Let's focus on loving Jesus first, our husbands second, and our kids third. And then, somewhere further down the list, thinking about WHY we care for our homes the way that we do.

  Be hard working at home, absolutely. Just remember that you can be hard working, and still end the day with a mess. And that doesn't make you less of a woman, because while we may look on the outward appearance, God looks at the heart- so make your heart the priority. How can you glorify God better? How can you work hard to love Him more, and obey Him more faithfully?

  These things matter far more than the state of your kitchen counters, I promise you.