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An Ugly Beast

I am lying awake in bed at 4am as I far too often do nowadays, and my mind is full. I found myself feeling torn about something I did not expect, and as I began to examine my heart and search out the root of this feeling, I found an unpleasant surprise.
The culprit of my problem was not an unfamiliar one. Like so many things I have noticed in myself lately- and really, throughout my life- it was simply a matter of pride.
My pride is an ugly beast. It rises up to greet me from dark corners of my heart that I wish did not exist. While I am a new creation, constantly being transformed, continually being sanctified...still, with sad frequency, I stumble. For me, that stumbling often looks like pride.
I have no excuse. I am not pretending that this ugly beast overtakes me against my will. No, I have a choice in the matter. And I choose it. That is the truly tragic part - not only am I prideful, I CHOOSE to be prideful. I choose to give in to the temptation to think far too much of myself, to gloat in the praise of others, to set aside humility and instead seek to glorify myself.
In the headline of my blog I describe myself as "Woman, wife, mother, artist, and Christ-follower." In all of those roles- some of which are very new to me!- I want to be GREAT. Not just passable, but excellent. And that is an admirable desire, so long as it is driven by the motivation to glorify God on all that I do and every role that I fill. But when it is driven by the motivation to be better than others, admired, the "best"- then it is sinful. That is my struggle lately. I am trying to be ever more aware of not only what I do, but why I do it. I want my desires to be good, and my motivations to be pure. It is a process. But as a believer, I am infinitely blessed with the Holy Spirit and can therefore rest assured that this is possible!
This ugly beast need not live on. It can grow ever smaller and less powerful. It can be conquered completely! That excites me. Yes, it is hard to recognize just how much there is that must be weeded out of my heart...but it is beautiful that it can be done.

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