Right now I am sitting at Starbucks. Alone. Just me, a pile of books, a laptop, and a glorious salted caramel mocha. I'm freshly showered and wearing make-up- the barista even complimented my eye shadow, and she's actually a legitimate judge of my usual appearance, as she's seen me three times in the past week.
How, you may ask, is this even possible? How are all of these things true, all at the same time? What magic is this?
Well, let me tell you.
Seven weeks after Clara was born I went to see my midwife for my postpartum appointment. I had make-up on that day, too. I had both kids in tow. Clara was compliant, as always, but Judah was in the middle of his screaming-at-everyone-everywhere-in-terror phase. And while on the outside I may have looked somewhat put together (sweaty brow aside), inside I was a wreck.
And my midwife knew it, because she knows me, and also because I owned up to it readily. I was depressed. I was overwhelmed. I was getting through each day, but each day felt like a long uphill battle that ended, sort of, at bedtime...only to have a slightly less difficult battle on a gently upwards slope all night long...which led back to the hard uphill battle.
So she told me to spend an hour by myself. Every day. I cried when she said that, because it genuinely did not seem possible. "Tell Arthur I said you HAVE to do this," she said, "And then LET HIM help you- let him take the kids while you take a bath, or read, or sleep, or leave the house. They will be fine without you for an hour, and you will be a better mom because of it. Take care of yourself. You must take care of yourself."
Clara is five months old now, and truthfully I have not taken an hour to myself every day. Sometimes there isn't really opportunity, and sometimes I honestly just forget. But I have been very intentionally taking time to myself on a regular basis, and here is what I've found.
--THERE'S ALWAYS A REASON NOT TO GO.
Pardon the double negative, but this is what I say to myself. Tonight, for example there was the fact that by the time I got dressed it was already after 8pm and I was tired, so laying in bed sounded better than going out. Plus, Arthur is sick, so there was the twinge of guilt as I wondered if I should stay home to take care of him. (He's asleep and wanted me to take this time...I didn't just abandon him, I swear.) Maybe I should be home working on some project. And my kitchen is a freaking disaster that really should be addressed very, very soon. I'm sick, too, and could use the extra sleep.
My point is, there is always a reason to stay home. There's always something I haven't gotten done during the day. There's always SOMETHING.
Honestly one of the biggest hurdles is just getting dressed! It never feels worth the effort. But then I ask myself, "Aren't I worth the fifteen minutes it takes to get ready?" and it's not like the answer is ever no, so...here I am. Just get out the door, however hard it may be.
--ERRANDS DON'T COUNT AS RELAXING.
Granted, going grocery shopping without two kids and an enormous diaper bag is basically a vacation. No joke. Last week I went to the mail, gassed the car, did our big shop at Costco, bought frozen yogurt, and got home again in under an hour- I didn't even know that was possible. It's the power of the carseat-free life, my friends! But nonetheless, tackling my to-do list is NOT the same as taking some time for myself. Sure, it's still really nice to get out the house on my own, but it doesn't relax and reset me the way an hour of writing or reading does.
My biggest mistake on the beginning of this Me-Time Adventure was feeling like I needed to accomplish something every time- when really, all I needed to accomplish was RESTING. This can be hard to do. Push through it. Force yourself to sit at Starbucks for ninety minutes doing nothing. Or walk around Target, not with a checklist and a schedule, but just for fun. Whatever is fun and refreshing for you, go do that.
--IT'S ALWAYS VALUABLE.
This has been hard to realize, because it doesn't always FEEL valuable. Sometimes I get home feeling like, "Well, I didn't really need that. I feel the same." But the problem is that when I wait until I'm falling apart at home, it's already been too long. Today, for example, I was just a wreck. I cried about everything. I got irritated by everything. And then I realized that it had been well over a week since I cracked open my Bible, so that was the first thing I did when I got here tonight- I sat down and spent a good forty minutes reading and praying. Which doesn't sound like long, if you aren't living in the toddler wormhole, but trust me when I say that forty uninterrupted minutes equals like four hours in mom time. Or even four years. Just depends on the day.
This time alone and out of the house isn't actually magic, but man, it definitely helps.
--BE REASONABLE.
If Arthur has to work four evenings in a week, then realistically I might not leave the house alone because I'll want the remaining evenings with him. And so some weeks, I don't get out. But if I push through all the reasons not to go and leave one evening a week whenever it IS possible, then those weeks when I don't go aren't a big deal.
Once a week seems to be what I can reasonably maintain right now, and that's just fine. Sometimes I plan on leaving and then something comes up- like a bad headache- and I decide that it really is best to stay home. I just try to really evaluate if it's worth staying home for, rather than giving in to every excuse every time.
It also helps to find something to do that not only truly rests and refreshes you, but that's also relatively cheap (or free!) so that it's not a huge financial strain.
Find what works for you, your husband, and your family. Maybe you have kids that go to school during the day and afternoons are the best time for you to get to yourself. Maybe getting up early works better. Maybe leaving the house is too much at this point and locking yourself in the bathroom with a book, a cup of tea, and a hot bath will do the trick. Find what works. Then do it.
So, my fellow mamas, if you feel like you're going crazy (sometimes I genuinely wonder how sane I am anymore) then consider this. And friends who aren't mamas yet, well, I found this habit just as helpful when I was single and childless. Even it was just an hour between jobs, it made a difference.
How, you may ask, is this even possible? How are all of these things true, all at the same time? What magic is this?
Well, let me tell you.
Seven weeks after Clara was born I went to see my midwife for my postpartum appointment. I had make-up on that day, too. I had both kids in tow. Clara was compliant, as always, but Judah was in the middle of his screaming-at-everyone-everywhere-in-terror phase. And while on the outside I may have looked somewhat put together (sweaty brow aside), inside I was a wreck.
And my midwife knew it, because she knows me, and also because I owned up to it readily. I was depressed. I was overwhelmed. I was getting through each day, but each day felt like a long uphill battle that ended, sort of, at bedtime...only to have a slightly less difficult battle on a gently upwards slope all night long...which led back to the hard uphill battle.
So she told me to spend an hour by myself. Every day. I cried when she said that, because it genuinely did not seem possible. "Tell Arthur I said you HAVE to do this," she said, "And then LET HIM help you- let him take the kids while you take a bath, or read, or sleep, or leave the house. They will be fine without you for an hour, and you will be a better mom because of it. Take care of yourself. You must take care of yourself."
Clara is five months old now, and truthfully I have not taken an hour to myself every day. Sometimes there isn't really opportunity, and sometimes I honestly just forget. But I have been very intentionally taking time to myself on a regular basis, and here is what I've found.
--THERE'S ALWAYS A REASON NOT TO GO.
Pardon the double negative, but this is what I say to myself. Tonight, for example there was the fact that by the time I got dressed it was already after 8pm and I was tired, so laying in bed sounded better than going out. Plus, Arthur is sick, so there was the twinge of guilt as I wondered if I should stay home to take care of him. (He's asleep and wanted me to take this time...I didn't just abandon him, I swear.) Maybe I should be home working on some project. And my kitchen is a freaking disaster that really should be addressed very, very soon. I'm sick, too, and could use the extra sleep.
My point is, there is always a reason to stay home. There's always something I haven't gotten done during the day. There's always SOMETHING.
Honestly one of the biggest hurdles is just getting dressed! It never feels worth the effort. But then I ask myself, "Aren't I worth the fifteen minutes it takes to get ready?" and it's not like the answer is ever no, so...here I am. Just get out the door, however hard it may be.
--ERRANDS DON'T COUNT AS RELAXING.
Granted, going grocery shopping without two kids and an enormous diaper bag is basically a vacation. No joke. Last week I went to the mail, gassed the car, did our big shop at Costco, bought frozen yogurt, and got home again in under an hour- I didn't even know that was possible. It's the power of the carseat-free life, my friends! But nonetheless, tackling my to-do list is NOT the same as taking some time for myself. Sure, it's still really nice to get out the house on my own, but it doesn't relax and reset me the way an hour of writing or reading does.
My biggest mistake on the beginning of this Me-Time Adventure was feeling like I needed to accomplish something every time- when really, all I needed to accomplish was RESTING. This can be hard to do. Push through it. Force yourself to sit at Starbucks for ninety minutes doing nothing. Or walk around Target, not with a checklist and a schedule, but just for fun. Whatever is fun and refreshing for you, go do that.
--IT'S ALWAYS VALUABLE.
This has been hard to realize, because it doesn't always FEEL valuable. Sometimes I get home feeling like, "Well, I didn't really need that. I feel the same." But the problem is that when I wait until I'm falling apart at home, it's already been too long. Today, for example, I was just a wreck. I cried about everything. I got irritated by everything. And then I realized that it had been well over a week since I cracked open my Bible, so that was the first thing I did when I got here tonight- I sat down and spent a good forty minutes reading and praying. Which doesn't sound like long, if you aren't living in the toddler wormhole, but trust me when I say that forty uninterrupted minutes equals like four hours in mom time. Or even four years. Just depends on the day.
This time alone and out of the house isn't actually magic, but man, it definitely helps.
--BE REASONABLE.
If Arthur has to work four evenings in a week, then realistically I might not leave the house alone because I'll want the remaining evenings with him. And so some weeks, I don't get out. But if I push through all the reasons not to go and leave one evening a week whenever it IS possible, then those weeks when I don't go aren't a big deal.
Once a week seems to be what I can reasonably maintain right now, and that's just fine. Sometimes I plan on leaving and then something comes up- like a bad headache- and I decide that it really is best to stay home. I just try to really evaluate if it's worth staying home for, rather than giving in to every excuse every time.
It also helps to find something to do that not only truly rests and refreshes you, but that's also relatively cheap (or free!) so that it's not a huge financial strain.
Find what works for you, your husband, and your family. Maybe you have kids that go to school during the day and afternoons are the best time for you to get to yourself. Maybe getting up early works better. Maybe leaving the house is too much at this point and locking yourself in the bathroom with a book, a cup of tea, and a hot bath will do the trick. Find what works. Then do it.
So, my fellow mamas, if you feel like you're going crazy (sometimes I genuinely wonder how sane I am anymore) then consider this. And friends who aren't mamas yet, well, I found this habit just as helpful when I was single and childless. Even it was just an hour between jobs, it made a difference.
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