I'll Pull the Fangs Out

  Things are confusing sometimes. You think you’re over something, someone, and you message your nearest and dearest friends about how great it is to put an old wound to bed, or work through a problem, or let go of those memories. And then things happen, and you feel like you’re back at square one with no road map, no idea where to start, and all the old feelings you thought you’d gotten rid of or outgrown.

  I’ve been feeling that way lately. It was almost a year ago that I could smile and I say I was over something. Now, just in the past week or so, I’ve felt like I’m right back where I was before, when I couldn’t listen to certain songs without my stomach tensing, when I couldn’t look at certain photos without getting either excited or nauseous, when so many little things reminded me of it.

  That’s where I am right now. Everything is reminding me that there is still something here to be resolved. I don’t know what it is, because I thought this was all neatly put away and filed under “Lessons Learned”- maybe not, maybe not yet.

  My friend is going on vacation after Christmas. Another friend of mine wore a certain t-shirt. I saw someone’s uncle. My grandmother brought something up in conversation. I got a message on Facebook. I saw a video on YouTube. Everything just keeps pointing, in strange and seemingly coincidental ways, to this situation.

  So I’ve been staring at the sky, giving God these incredulous looks and asking, “Alright, WHAT? What is still left to talk about? What is still left to resolve, what the heck do You want me to do?!”

  And finally last night, with these things in my mind and this confusion in my heart, I lay on the couch with beautiful, quiet, music in my earbuds and tears running loose down my face. I closed my eyes against the empty room and I lifted my arms sadly to a loving Father, and I begged Him just to hold me and help me figure this out, because I don’t know what to do.

  And I still don’t know what to do. It’s as though I was walking through the forest, or the deserts of Mexico with their own barren beauty, and I was looking ahead, unconcerned. I was chatting with the Lord about the future, and what exactly it holds, and not watching my step.

  And then all of the sudden I was bitten by a snake.

  And I’m sitting here, looking first at my ankle and then at my Father, unsure of where the snake came from or if it’s poisonous or not, or what to do. And God says, “What do you think?”

  I shrug, bewildered, staring at the writhing snake, its fangs still embedded in my skin, where I thought the old wounds of old journeys had healed for good, but there are now two precise punctures slowly oozing blood.

  In this moment I look to God in confusion and surprise, taken aback by the sudden turn of events, and it is then that He looks at me and says in a calm, comforting voice, “Don’t worry, I’ll pull the fangs out.”

  So, Lord, with gentle and knowing hands will You pull these fangs from my skin? Will You cast aside whatever it is that has bitten me again? Will You hold my hand and help me stand and brush off all the past regrets, wiping the blood from my broken skin and reminding me that it will heal?

  I don’t even know what there is left for us to do here, You and I, or why this situation is coming up again. But whatever it is and whatever the reason, I need You to be with me. And not only do I need You, but I also WANT You! I want You to hold my hand, Father. Please walk with me. I will try to keep pace with Your footsteps, and I will not let go of Your hand.

December 17, 2010